A Slow Transition

SO I promised that I would post again when I had made some decisions about what my plans were and I didn't post because I am still not ready to make a plan. I know that it seems silly, but I really want to make commitments that I am going to keep so that I don't get thrown off of my course from the beginning. Further, I feel like this journey is about accepting it as it developes on its own. So part of my plan is not too have set expectations and goals, but so just focus on the goal and to always be growing and improving.

Here's what has happened since the last time I posted, I saw my spine and pain management doctor. I know I said I wasn't going to tell him my plan, and I didn't. But I did talk to him about coming off of the pain meds. He basically brought it up actually. We talked about my pain level, and the truth is that I am still in a lot of pain all of the time. Since I decided that I was going to go on this yoga journey, I have increased the frequency of my yoga practice, to about 4 times a week. I am feeling stronger, but I am not seeing results in my back pain, yet.

My husband had surgery on Thursday, which for me, meant that I had to sit around the hospital for about 5 hours, in unreasonably uncomfortable chairs. Because of this I suffered fairly sever pain in my lower back for a couple of days. I took my pain meds, and carried out my nursing duties for my incapacitated husband. Friday is when I went to see my Dr.

The appointment was a follow-up for the injections I got 3 weeks ago. Apparently, part of the goal with the injection is exploratory, if we do this does it lead us to any conclusion that will help the prognosis. Unfortunately, my Dr. also seems to be getting a little discouraged as well. I like the guy, I do, I honestly believe that his intent is to help, with the best of the tools he has to offer. He is a big fan of these shots, and not a fan of pain medication. When I came to him 8 months ago with my established "give-up" medication regime, he was already skeptical. Further, over those 8 months and earlier, we had had some very public celebrity overdoses of pain meds. Currently, being considered an epidemic. In the grand scheme of things I think that my medications are not too dramatic. I was prescribed to take one 5mg Percocet in the morning and one at night before bed. Additionally, I was taking one Tramodol in the afternoon. The reason for this is because I truly needed pain management 3 times a day, but opted to take the Tramodol, which is not a true opiate. Anyhow, since my initial meeting with him, he wanted to bring my down off of the Percs. I was completely adverse to it, because it took me and my German doctor 6-8 months to come to that "get me through the day" regime. This is when my current Dr. and I started with the shots. The concept of these shots makes me totally weirded out. In fact, they do a constant Xray if your spine while he is doing the injecting so he can see where he needs to put the medicine. My dad said that I probably get more radiation from my phone and not to worry about it too much, but it still seems crazy.

Anyhow, on Friday the doctor states, "you are too young to be on this type of medication for so long." I am going to agree with that, for now. I don't want to be an addict, even if I take my prescription as directed. My concern too is that over the last year and a half my pain has gone from being isolated in my lower back (coccyx) to my hip, now I am having issues with my neck and hands as well. We did a battery of blood tests to see if there was something that could be effecting my whole body rather than area specific ailments. All of the test came back negative. While I am glad that I don't have an autoimmune disorder, or Lupus, of Rheumatoid Arthritis, I always feel a little let down by still not having any answers. He ordered me some more bloods tests on Friday, though, so we are continuing to search. I asked him if my body could be over sensitive now because I have been on an opiate for 3 years. He said yes it is called "opioid-induced hyperalgesia," which basically means that average stimuli can feel very painful. This could be true for me... and this is the theory that I am planning to test her on my Yoga Journey. I asked him how long it takes the body to correct this, and he said, "some say that it can be as long as you are on them." My heart shivered a little bit. Heading toward a world of no pain relief is scary enough as it is, but to think that it could take 3 years to know if this is even truly the issue... to wonder if there is going to be natural relief, kinda sucks.

He wrote my prescription for Tramodol, but not for Percocet.  If you don't have them you can't take them, right? So this is progress already if you ask me. I have a few more left, so I am reducing them slowly, but when they are gone they are gone. I don't know if you have ever felt what a withdrawal feels like, but it is very uncomfortable. I will write more about it as I am feeling it, shortly, within the next week. My plan to combat the withdrawal effects will be as follows:
1) go off the meds one at a time, 1st Percs, then Trams
2) Work out, not just yoga, but to physically exhaust my body so that I can hopefully get some sleep
3) Sauna or steam. It is going to be important to force the toxins out. Your endocrine system is a key player in eliminating toxins... sweat, sweat, sweat.
4) Honestly, wine. a glass of two of wine in the evenings will help with the discomfort and will help me sleep. It is not to be trading one for the other... but if the others aren't working and I am not getting sleep, I will have glass of wine with dinner, and hope that helps.

Finally, I am going to start taking some pictures. I know that my life style is terrible for my skin, liver, physique etc. I truly want to document what the effects of not smoking, not taking prescription drugs,  reducing stress through yoga and meditation, eating healthier and so on, will do for my looks. I am also going to look into doing Bullet Journaling. I will give you more details about that look if I decide that it is going to fit into my journey.

So that is where I am at now. I'll keep you all posted soon.

Starting to Formulate my vision... my journey.

So I guess it is time to start making some real plans. I know for sure that I will be starting my month as a yogi on September 1st. Other than that I haven’t nailed anything down. I have been calling the months up to September, my “learning” phase. There is so much that I don’t know about what being a “true” yogi means. So I am going to have to figure all of that out before I will truly be able to embrace it fully as of September. 

Things I want to quit:

1. I am going to start titrating myself off of my bad habits, addictions, and medications. I have been telling a bunch of my friends and coworkers about my goals and my plans and evoking a support field. Which has been surprisingly easier than I thought it was going to be. People can surprise you sometimes. The one subset of people that I haven’t gotten involved in this process yet are my doctors. Here is why: A friend of mine (Jill) saw me liking some naturalistic product pages on FaceBook and she reached out to me. She has been taking a super vitamin product that I will write more about at another time. Long story short, her and I talked for an hour (first time we have talked in 4 years) about our experience with military doctors and their habitual prescription writing. We met 6 years ago in Colorado, both of our husbands were in the same unit at Fort Carson. We completely related on the epidemic that, on post, military doctors seem to shove pills down all of our throats; husbands and kids included. For what I understand this is true for the civilian doctors as well. Because of this it is easy to get into the mentality that a pill will “make it all go away.” If you read my first blog you will know that I have been taking pain medication for my back for over three years, and that for a while I just gave in to the whole thing. Part of my mission is to take back some control of my health and start looking for alternative health initiatives. I initially thought that the smart thing to do was to get my doctors involved and ask them if it was safe and how to titrate off of my medication. The thing is, I know how to titrate and I am afraid that they will try to scare me away from my path to Mental East… my yoga journey. Its not that I think that they are coming from a bad place, I just think that it is the medical culture in our country. When I talked to Jill about all of this, she completely agreed that she wouldn’t bring them in on it either, unless it is necessary… so there you have it. 
2. Yes I said bad habits and addictions. So I am going to put this in writing as if I am really admitting it for the first time ever. I don’t know if my grandpa/ma will read this post, but if you are reading this… I am sorry. I have become a smoker… A real one. I could definitely be a more active smoker but at this point it is something that I look forward to at the end of a long day at work. While I used to have a cigarette with a beer during our time living in Europe, I am now smoking without a beer, which is totally out of character! I want to treat my body as the temple that it is, the only home my soul has, I want to take care of it and stop abusing it. 
3. The other addiction that I am looking to kick is caffeine. Whatever our current Western culture deems legal or not should not have any precedence in what I consider to be good for me or not. I mean alcohol is one of the deadliest of legal substances, and yet it is so ingrained in Western culture that you are considered antisocial if you aren’t a drinker, which I haven’t been for years. Anyhow, I am a one a day coffee drinker (16fl.oz.) or more a day. I am going to start cutting back on that as soon as next week. 
4. Processed cheap foods. I am a strong believer that easily accessible simple carbs are addictive. Whether it is sugar or starch, I would like to make the effort to reduce the presence of these simple, and specifically, processed foods from my diet. 

Things I want to start:

1. Yoga: I am on once a week yoga class type gal at this point. I read a funny blog the other day that stated that there are different types of yogis and one is the one that basically the person that shows up to yoga, but doesn’t embrace the mentality, the trendy yogi. I am that yogi, and I want to be more than that, I want to be the Spiritual Warrior Yogi (Click this link to read the blog. https://fatandthefurious.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/yogi-types/). I want to increase my practice for various physical, mental, and spiritual health reasons. Right now I am thinking that I will commit to 5 days a week. 
2. Meditation:  I am going to have to work my way into meditating as I am a very anxious person and I am constantly thinking about 3 things as once. Clearing my mind during yoga and being present is hard enough for me… but just sitting still and staying in the moment is even harder. So this may be the area in which I struggle the most. With that said, I believe that this may the the area in which I have the most to gain. 
3. I am going to add more to this at a later time… I am still working on the learning… but I am wanting to commit to some spiritual growth, I am just not sure what that is going to look like yet. I feel like spending the time to blog is helping me to sort through my thoughts and to keep me honest about my process… what I want, what I will struggle with and where I am going. 

I am going to keep working on my plans. On Wednesday I am going to do another post that will entail more thoughts and plans. This is the first date commitment that I have made so far! So I will see you Wednesday. 

—Lily

Lets Start With Why?

I guess the appropriate place to start is why. Here is the raw, unedited truth about why. 

I have talked to my husband and a couple of my friends about my desire to take this journey and I’ve said, “partially because I am the exact opposite.” 

A little bit about who I am: A am an accountant for the Department of Defense. I am married to a Staff Sargent in the U.S. Military. I live a very rigid structured life style that includes lots of stressful moments. We have moved all over the world and have recently settled back on American  soil in Richmond, VA. In some respects I felt like my life was on hold when we lived abroad, and in others I was able to grow more than I had ever expected. 

About 3 years ago (while living in Germany) I started to have pain and tingling in my back. The initial prognosis was FibroMyalgia and they put me on a generic Lyrica medication. Furthermore, I was told to stop working out and running until they were able to determine what was going on with me. At the time I had been running around 2 miles a day 5 days a week, and weight lifting with my husband. The medication lasted about a month; I was the supervisor of an accounting branch that accounted for a half billion dollars. I needed a clear head… I mean everyone does. I hated the way it felt and I wanted off, stat. I was prescribed physical therapy, which I did with a German Physical Therapist, and really it was just like yoga. I had done yoga for the entire year that my husband was deployed and I joked, ‘It was the only think that kept me sane.” I lived in a very rural area in German that didn’t have the mildly spiritually/physical type of class that I was looking for, so I let my practice laps. Once I was prescribed this physical therapy, I decided to pick it back up at home. I started doing what I could 2-3 times a week. 

I went to the doctor probably 3 times a week for about 8 months, using every last minute of sick leave and moving my schedule around to meeting appointments. Luckily my boss was understanding. My goal was not to get medication, my goal was to get a solution, get back to normal, and start feeling 26 years old again. I showed up for every test they asked me to go to, every time feeling optimistic, ‘this will be the test that will tell me this is something that they know how to treat.’ And every time I was let down. I went to various x-rays, MRIs, I’ve had vials upon vials of blood taken… and then I gave up (kinda). There I was, sitting in my primary doctors office for the 20th time in 8 months, feel drained, disappointed, and without option. I felt overwhelmed and distraught and I started to cry. I begged her to send me to pain management. AllI wanted, at that point was to be able to get through a work day with out all of the pain. I needed a break from all of the testing, and frankly, the constant pain. The pain in my lower back made it hard to sit for the long hours that I needed to a work, but I found a way to cope, standing at my desk and getting up and having face to face meeting whenever could. I couldn’t stand for long either, and I had a hard time sleeping. 

Pain management was a nice reprieve. The doctor diagnosed me Tramodol and Percocet. A combination that we both decided would not interfere with my job. I would also see him for injections that never really seemed to work for long, but the temporary breaks were welcomed. It has been over two years that I have been on this pain management treatment plan. I had to pick it up when we got back from Germany and it took about two months to get back to another pain and spine specialist. My optimism blossomed again. ‘Now that we are back in the states I will find a specialist who will know what is going on and how to treat it! I will be better and I will feel 28… as I would imagine your twenties should feel.” I went through everything with my new doctor, with folders and my latest MRI in hand… and he wanted to start from scratch. He said he had something similar and it went away! I was ecstatic to hear this. I got and updated MRI, just to be told that he wont see me again until I see a Gyno about my Ovarian Cysts… more appointments, more doctors, no answers. And here we are 6 months into being in the states and I can tell that they Dr. has started to give up. I’ve let him inject me with Steroids and Lydocaine in two different locations. Apparently some people will have relief up to 6 months… not me!!! I have maybe 2-3 days each time. 

Three weeks ago I started to have pain in both of my hands. I feared it was Carpal Tunnel, but I couldn’t see how when I didn’t have all of the symptoms. I allowed a physical therapist to stick needles all down my neck, arm and into my hand. It might have made things worse. I took a week off of work to give my hands a break, saw yet another doctor, who gave me muscle relaxers… did nothing for the issue and I was back at work with the aching hands…

Wow… I am really droning on here. I guess what I am trying to illustrate is that I have gone through soon much Western Medicine BS with no avail that I am ready to try something new, something off the books. I want to see what my body feels like with no chemicals in it at all. Will my body begin to create natural pain relievers? Is some of the pain in my body actually a side effect of the medication? What if I increased my physical activity, instead os restraining it, will it make me feel better?

There are so many reasons that I see value in changing my life to more eastern and holistic. It is not merely the physical but the mental as well. If I visualized my body being healthy, and appreciated everything that it can do rather than focusing on the pain, the appointments, and restriction… is that a better version of life than I am living now? I will find the answers to these questions on my journey to “Mental East.” 

I know that I am going to struggle and I know that there will be failures. Do I think that I will be able to be a full Yogi and maintain my current life style? Not really. But I think I will get a lot from this experience. I am hoping to find more gratitude, more understanding, more kindness to myself and others, more health, more appreciation, and maybe meet some really cool people along the way.